i'm sorry mom

I wish I could feel happy when I see my mom or the babies, but I can't even get that much back. It's like she took everything I was able to feel with her and dropped if off somewhere far away. I've been trying to find those pieces, but I've been shit out of luck so far. Sometimes I really think I'm looking in the wrong places, like mom says. I've realized so many things since she's been gone. I know I can't count on anyone around me now, I don't feel like I have any friends anymore. No one understands me and that really frustrates the fuck out me, I'm stuck with myself and my shitty thoughts. And no one fucking cares, no one.. I should have known better than to expect from others. That's my problem, I expect way too much for no reason. Who the fuck am I kidding? That's why it's going to be better when I'm gone, no more useless people pretending to care about me. I'm sick of this place and these faces. It all hurts to look at or be at in the end, because it tore me away from the one person I would give my life for. I hate this blog, it makes me remember just how real the pain is. I can't run away my words, because they are truer than I lead them on to be. Besides... This blog is the only way I can vent to myself, but it herd exhausting always depending on what fraction of control I have to manage my emotions. Maybe mom is right, maybe i should find someone that can help me deal with myself. But shrinks are all the same, and I'm so fucking over that shit. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to just smile and laugh when people want me to, I don't know how to tell my mom that she doesn't and won't ever do it for me like Harriet did. No one makes me happier than Harriet. Absolutely no one.. And I'm afraid, so terribly fucking afraid of that, because it's not fair to love her when I'm not worthy of her. It can't be healthy to love you this much. I'm so tired and so sad, that I just hope I can leave soon. I'm so sorry, mom. I'm sorry I'm so weak and not strong like you thought I always was. I'm sorry I can't be strong when it comes to her..she shot right through me. I'd ask you for help, but not even you can give me the answer..I'm sorry, mom.
I wonder if you think I'm a pathetic failure.